Thought Starters

What does RESPECT have to do with it, anyway?

By ⋅ June 22, 2012 ⋅ Post a comment
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Hi all! Well, I have to say that it’s been a challenging work week and my attention to the social game in the blogosphere has had to take a back seat. Like any good back seat driver though instructions and opinion were barked at me from the back of my mind. It’s never quiet or serene back there.

Suffice it to say traffic has been off and engagement has been pretty much nonexistent.

 

I did, however, get to read a few very, very interesting pieces that have generated a ton of great interaction and some pretty juicy back and forth between the bloggers and their readers. Great examples of what to do.

That got me to thinking about the idea of respect (c’mon the link is obvious) and what that means not only in the on-line spaces but out there IRL.

How do think the best way is to gain respect from your friends, tribe, team or company?

Subjective? Absolutely.

So, then, how do YOU define respect? What does it mean to you?

It is likely very different for you than it is for me so I will simply let you in on how my mind processes that idea.

To me I feel I am respected when people understand that I am human, want to listen to what I have to offer, don’t berate me for making a mistake and allow me my point of view without provocation or dissension.

Anything to the contrary, from the people I know, is not respect.

FACT: Respect is something that cannot be demanded.

I am quite sure most of you will agree that it has to be earned especially from those that you don’t know.

So how do I expect to earn yours?

After all, you don’t give it out like candy on Halloween.

  • Do I make you feel good?
  • Make sure not to be a push over or fan boy?
  • Do I ask about how you are?
  • Be genuinely interested?

Is it that simple?

  • It’s like dating 101.
  • Schmoozing 101.
  • Know your stuff before you talk 101.
  • Social 101.

So, here we are in the big ole world wondering how we are going to be respected for what we do.

  • Is it bitching because you didn’t get your way? No sir.
  • Is it sulking or sucking up? Naaaa.
  • How about setting unrealistic expectations.Un-uh. Fogettaboudit.
  • Do we even try demanding it? Yeah, right.

Ok, so those ideas are off the table.

  • How about doing what you do well?
  • How about having an open mind?
  • How about treating people the way you want to be treated?
  • How about using your ability to help someone and not expect them to reciprocate?
  • How about standing your ground even if its not popular?
  • How about fighting for your right to be an individual?
  • How about accepting people for who they are?

I can go on and on but you know what to do.

MAKE. THEM. FEEL.

Make them feel:

  • Good
  • Wanted
  • Liked
  • Happy
  • Intelligent
  • Like they know more than you.

Let’s count the ways we can.

  • Ask them how they would solve a problem.
  • Listen to them when they talk to you.
  • Understand their point of view.
  • Find out something about them.
  • Ask them to share their goals.
  • Try it their way.
  • Offer them constructive criticism if they ask.
  • Ask before you impart your wisdom.
  • Share something unconditionally.

There you go. Consider those the minimum requirements.

You know what to do.

Make them feel.

So, how do YOU feel?

 

 

 

 

Let me leave you with this.

 

About this Author: Ralph Dopping (166 Posts)

A quirky sense-o-humour coupled with an indelible sense of stylish sarcasm makes it difficult to take the world too seriously doesn't it? My faves: fun, passion and hard work. I work here everyday: www.designdialog.ca


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suddenlyjamie 106 pts

Great post, Ralph. 

Respect is, as other commenters have already noted, a loaded word. 

As a parent (a single mom), it's one I've been thinking about a lot lately. (And my daughter is only eight, gods help me!)

It also comes up in work and social situations. 

 

Earning respect is a lifelong pursuit. It's not something you can do once and check off your list. Once you've earned someone's respect, you have to live up to deserving it. The privilege can be revoked in the blink of an eye. 

 

I respect people who are kind, thoughtful, and stand their ground.

I respect people who are willing to stick their necks out for the little guy. 

I respect people who do what they say they will do. When they say they will do it. 

I respect people who refuse to point fingers or make excuses. 

I respect people who aren't afraid to show their feelings. 

 

Subjective? Hell, yeah. But that's as it should be. There's no black or white when it comes to respect. You're right - it's about feeling. 

 

Thanks for the thought-sparker. 

:)

 

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

Hey  suddenlyjamie  good to see you here again. You list sounds like integrity to me. That's why I suggested the idea of respect is so subjective.

 

I am in the middle of reading a book called Flow (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi) which speaks to creating the optimal experience. One of the inhibitors to creating flow is disorder in consciousness whereby a person creates negative energy which they then have to work very hard at dispelling. This leaves them struggling to be able to be in a productive zone.  

 

Hey, I am not a psychologist but I get the idea and expecting respect can be one of those inhibitors if it results in feelings of fear, jealousy, anxiety and the like. When it is earned there is a sense of well being (at least there is for me and my value system) which dispels any sense of anxiety.

 

Probably a bit too heady for this place but hey, what the heck.

 

Thanks fro dropping in and I do look forward to your next article.

My latest conversation: What the one thing that doesn’t go well with golf, dating or blogging?

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bdorman264 2669 pts

Check, check and check; I agree with all those points.

 

My question is, why aren't you showing up in my Reader as that is the only place I go to dig out blogs? I've put your URL code in and it's stuck on the 'We're Back' post. I wonder what's up with that? I had to go to that post to get this link. 

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

 bdorman264 Hey Bill. I tested my RSS feed for both spots on the blog. They both work. If it is not too much trouble please remove the feed and then try to reset it. I had to do that once myself when I finally got it fixed. My latest post, this one, shows up in the feed.

 

Sorry you have trouble with it. Let me know if it works. Thanks for coming by and making the effort. I do appreciate it.

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suddenlyjamie 106 pts

 rdopping I had similar issues with my reader, but I think (hope!) it's all fixed now! :) 

 

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Hajra 806 pts

Respect is a heavy word. And almost every human being should be respect. A person holding open the door for me gets my respect. It  has to be linked with compassion somehow. That is how I feel. 

 

As for respect being demanded, sorry, they don't sell it anywhere; so if you want it, you have got to earn it somehow... Made sense?

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

 Hajra  Makes perfect sense to me. You can't buy love, compassion or respect. All of it is earned and it is also fickle. One wrong move and you have to start over again.

 

Thanks for coming by. Good to see you.

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Lori 2770 pts

I like how you lay it all out Ralph! To me respect is about the golden rule. We never know what's going on in peoples lives. It doesn't serve either of us to judge, but compassion is always welcomed.

Well done Ralph! And by the way, I saw your post in Triberr. Looks like things are all set now!?

Lori

My latest conversation: What Will Change Your Life?

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

 Lori Yep, it looks like the Triberr thing worked itself out. I am glad and I appreciate you all coming by to chat. Nice to see you here and thank you for taking the time.

 

The golden rule, huh? The funny thing is that I was just thinking about the golden rectangle on the weekend. If you don't know it's a way to create balance in design. It kind of works in a way that all things have a relationship to the other and all need to work in balance to one another is order for it to be successful. Respect is, in a way, very much like that too.

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Vidya Sury 258 pts

Hi Ralph! I've had the pleasure of seeing you on my favorite blogs and I am very happy to be here today. (end of speech!) :-)

 

Respect is a spontaneous thing triggered by a feeling of appreciation most of the time but usually because someone showed an admirable trait or reaction to a situation. You know, as children we were "taught" to respect our elders - that's how our culture rolls. But the problem arose when someone used their age as an excuse to get away with something. That starts up a big conflict in the head because mostly, it is hard to rebel for fear of upsetting the elders we did respect. Sigh.

 

I've found that besides stemming from how the person makes me feel, a  part of respect for me is is also about tolerance and being non-judgmental.

 

Again - so glad to be here!

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Lori 2770 pts

 Vidya Sury Hi Vidya!

My latest conversation: What Will Change Your Life?

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

 Vidya Sury Very cool to have you here. Thanks for coming by and taking the time to comment. That means a lot to me.

 

"It's the way our culture rolls." I love that! Sooooo good...;-) Sure, I agree because I was brought up the same way. Respect your elsders no matter what stupid crap might come out of their mouths. Ha. Ha. I suppose that's where we learned tolerance and being non-judgemental. Believe me, I am in th same camp.

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sophiesignin 24 pts

Respect is definitely something that cannot be demanded - only earned, though can fall apart in a matter of minutes. You make great point with the making them feel and I would like your minimum requirements to be accepted as global ones. As for me, to earn respect I would like people to be: sincere, modest (humble), individualistic. Don't respect hypocrites, self-centered and deceitful ones. Thanks for this; we need to talk about it more often!

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

Hey  sophiesignin Great set of traits; sincere, modest and individualistic. Love the individualistic one for sure. And, yes, the minimum requirements should be global but in fact, those are the ones that work for me and because the world is filled with such interesting folks of all walks of life they may not work for everyone.

 

Then again, there is a basic level of respect we all should have for humanity, right?

 

Thanks for dropping in. I always enjoy your point of view.

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sophiesignin 24 pts

 rdopping Absolutely. We should have a basic level of respect; after all it is a sign of being human(e). Great thoughts Ralph!

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CrossBetsy 129 pts

This is really interesting, Ralph! Can you teach respect? The mechanics of it, sure. But when you interact with people you bring who you are, your perceptions, feelings, world view, everything to the table.

If I feel offended, you can ask me why. You can help me figure out what to do about it. But really it's up to me to look inside and see what's going on with me that would make me feel that way. 

If I find out I've offended YOU, I would LOVE to find out how or why because then I will understand you better. 

Relationships and dialogues are complicated.

When I've been very clear about something and someone still crosses a line, then I can say I've been disrespected. But even then, it's not something to get bothered about. I just let them know that they crossed a line, and figure they're either still learning (about our relationship) or are masters of destruction on purpose, in which case I leave them to be who they are, watching my step around them. 

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

Hey CrossBetsy Thanks for dropping in. Interesting response yourself. Very good point in that respect is definitely earned and i agree it cannot be taught. I am not schooled in psychology but I do know that being respected for what you do and who you are can seem like a right we expect to have but in my book it is something that is to be earned.

 

Sure, basic respect for humanity is table stakes (unless you are completely unstable) but in reality what you do defines what you get. You said something very, very important here....."and figure they are still learning....." This is the key to a high level of maturity and and open mindset. Critical to building good relationships.

 

Awesome response Betsy!

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Lori 2770 pts

 CrossBetsy That's the other side of respect Betsy {{{ waving hi! }}} drawing and respecting your own boundaries. We can control how much we respect others but we can only control what we will allow in our lives, not the other person's attitude. I agree with you that changing other people is like changing what you see in the mirror. You need to be a person who won't be treated that way, TELLING someone is like shouting in the mirror.

 

Recently I had a phone call from a fellow who wanted distance Reiki. I called him back and agreed to do it and then he said, "I will return the favor some day." I'm thinking: FAVOR? I didn't indicate that I'd be doing it for free. I don't even know him. I became angry about it and considered many responses but then I realized that I had to change something in me so that I wouldn't be giving the message that what I do isn't worth anything. So I worked on that - the person looking into the mirror. He didn't call at the appointed time. I'd changed what I saw in the mirror too! :-)

My latest conversation: What Will Change Your Life?

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

 Lori  CrossBetsy Good for you! That's respecting yourself.

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TheThinkingLdr 5 pts

Good points Ralph.  Most people, it seems, are too busy posturing by screaming "you disrespected me!!!" to even define what respect is.  The Next time I hear someone say they disrespected me, I'm going to make them define what respect really is.

 

Thanks for the insight!

 

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rdopping 1099 pts moderator

 TheThinkingLdr There you go! Excellent idea. It might surprise you to see what the type of answer is that you get. I was hoping to entice people here to see what they considered respect to be. We will see. 

 

Glad you enjoyed it. Have a great weekend.

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